Dating · Favorite Things · Life · Prayer · Uncategorized

Letting Love In.

First of all, I am so stinkin’ excited to marry the man of my dreams. He is undeniably the most amazing human to ever walk into my life. And to think that if one minor detail of the day we met had been changed, I may never have been given the opportunity to become the future Mrs. Cortez. It gives me the goosies just thinking about it. For those of you that don’t know how it all went down, let me give you the short version. My ag teacher from college called and asked me to do him a favor and work at a calf roping two nights before the event. I was kinda riding the fence on whether or not I wanted to do it until he said the words, “There WILL be cowboys, and not just cowboys, but the best of the best.” So I of course took him up on his offer. Unbeknownst to me, my future husband would also be there that beautiful June 1st day. Long story short, I saw him. He saw me. I thought he was married. He thought I had a boyfriend. I stalked him on facebook with my bff, Christin, and we found out he WASN’T married, so I sent him a private message and the rest is history. So, thank you Jorge Zapata, for asking me to work the calf roping. I really did meet the best of the best that day. And thank you, Christin, for your incredible FBI skills and for telling me, what the heck, just send him a message. I’m so glad I did.

So now that you’ve sat through a history lesson on my love life, let me dig a little deeper and give you the skinny on something that I really struggle with. Like, a lot. Before I say anything, let me first say that Chip (that’s my man for those of you that don’t know) is, by far, the most selfless person I know. Chip would give you the last dollar he had or the shirt off his own back just to help. He’s a giver of his time, his talents (which do include talking! – love you, honey!), and anything else that he is capable of giving. He’s just naturally a giver. We pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store about a month ago on one of the coldest days winter has given us and Chip noticed a lady trying to change her tire. He didn’t even hesitate, he just pulled in right next to her, hopped out, and went right to work. That’s just the kind of guy he is and that quality is one of the many reasons it was so easy to fall in love with him.

After all this being said, I still find myself struggling – almost on a daily basis – to let Chip help ME. You guys, he does so much for me. Seriously. He goes above and beyond. When he sees that I need something, he is Jonny on the spot, making sure that my needs are met. But it is really hard for me to vocalize to him when I am in need or for me to allow him to help me. I know that we are supposed to forgive and FORGET our past, but forgetting is the hardest part for me. I’ve forgiven, but forgetting the way I was treated before scares me to the point that a lot of times, it’s easier to try and do things on my own and not have to depend on anyone else. In the past, when I was in need of anything, sure those needs might be met, but not without a ton of verbal abuse to go along with it……words that made me feel like I’d never amount to anything on my own and that I was worthless without that help and that because I was in need, I was less of a human being. So now, when something does come up, instead of going to Chip – who is about to be my husband and life long PARTNER – I tend to clam up and try to figure out how to fix the problem on my own. The good thing is this: I know it’s a problem. I have to allow Chip to help me and I have to get out of the mindset that my problems or needs are a burden to him. He tells me over and over that he WANTS to help me and that he will do anything he is humanly possible to do to help me. And I know he means it. He is a man of his words. But the challenging part is letting him tear down that wall I’ve built. And I can promise you, it’s a tall one.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m so thankful God gave me the most loving, giving, selfless human being ever created. Chip is the truest definition of a giver. I just have to let him help me because when I don’t, I’m telling him I don’t need him, that I don’t want a partnership, that I can do this on my own and the truth is, I can’t. I DO NEED HIM. I just have to remind myself that when I let him help me, I’m letting him show me that he loves me. It doesn’t mean that I’m less of a human or the weaker person in our partnership. We’re a team. Team members work together.

So that being said, Honey, I hope you’re reading this because I NEED a basset hound for Valentine’s Day. Babe, I’m just trying to let you help me. That’s all. 🙂

Love ya, Rach

Dating · Favorite Things · Food · Life · Prayer · Uncategorized

…..but I love you.

I’ve never met you…..but I love you.

I’ve never seen your face anywhere except my mind…….but I love you.

I’ve never felt your arms around me, I’ve only imagined how it must feel…..but I love you.

I’ve never caught you smiling at me across the room……but I love you.

I’ve never heard you laughing at my corny jokes that no one else finds funny….but I love you.

I’ve never watched you praying with our babies before they go to sleep at night….but I love you.

I’ve never felt you roll over at night and wake me up just to whisper that you’re glad God gave me to you…..but I love you.

I’ve never held your hand while driving aimlessly on back roads, sipping on sweet tea, windows down, breeze blowing my hair……but I love you.

I’ve never watched you teach our babies to saddle a horse or how to ride….but I love you.

I’ve never watched you as you rolled your sleeves up, bent down and took our little girl’s face in your hands and told her that she’s your princess……but I love you.

I’ve never heard you telling our son to watch the ball and let it connect with the bat……but I love you.

I’ve never felt your lips on mine…..but I love you.

I’ve never seen you broken and vulnerable at the news of heartbreak……but I love you.

I’ve never heard you tell me that my cookin’ is the best thing you’ve ever eaten in your whole life……but I love you.

I’ve never seen injustice move your heart to make a change….but I love you.

I’ve never even had a first date with you……but I love you.

I’ve never shared my dreams or secrets with you and I’ve never heard yours….but I love you.

Though I’ve never laid eyes on you, my sweet, tenderhearted, hard working, husband……I love you. I love that God made you just for me. I know when he was forming you in your mother’s womb, He knew you’d grow to be a dark headed man that loved cows as much as I do. As silly as that sounds to anyone else, I just know it’s true. I don’t always love the waiting part, but I know that when God brings you to me, I will finally be able to give you my love. It isn’t always easy loving you from a distance, but knowing that God is a God of perfect timing makes this wait worth it. There have been times when I could’ve settled for someone that wasn’t you but each time, your face flashed across my mind and though I’ve never met you, I know you are real and I will wait for you, my love.

I don’t know where you are tonight. I don’t know what you’re doing, but I imagine you’re sitting on a porch swing, a drink in one hand and your other around a dog. I don’t know even know what your name is…….but I know I love you and I can’t wait to tell you just how much.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Favorite Things · Food · Life · Uncategorized

Happy Cinco De Mayo, Y’all.

I’m supposed to be finishing my Action Research project that’s due tomorrow. But my brain is fried. And I need a break. Oh, and it’s only 9:00 a.m.

At least the sun is shining today. I’m pretending that the heat is NOT on in my house and that when I walk outside this afternoon, it will be blazing hot.

I just heard a country song on Pandora that made me want to pack my bags and move to Oklahoma right now. If I had the promise of a ranch and a cowboy, I’d probably do it. Well, until the song ended and the feelings subsided.

I wonder how many pots of coffee it will take me to finish this paper?

I wonder how many excuses I could find to NOT finish this paper? I’d rather be fishing.

Today is Cinco De Mayo which means nothing more to me than good food. Hopefully I do finish this paper so I can get busy in the kitchen tonight with Christin. Cross your fingers, y’all.

Favorite Things · Food · Life · Prayer · Uncategorized

Just A Day Dreamin’

The only thing this disgusting weather has done for me is fuel the fire of a southern desire inside my heart. For two days now, I’ve been holed up in my house, refusing to wear anything except sweat pants and an over sized sweatshirt with fluffy socks. I hate the snow but mostly, I hate the ice that lies underneath. I suppose if I lived in a part of the US that got more than two inches of ice covered with half an inch of snow, I might be able to tolerate the cold. Wait. That’s a lie. I despise the cold. I hate walking outside and being so cold that my bones literally ache. I long for the days of summer when I step outside and instantly start sweating. I dream of summer evenings on the front porch, iced tea with lemon slices in one hand and the other holding a good book that has nothing to do with work or school. Sigh.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, my mind begins to paint a picture of what I wish my life was like……a nice sized front yard with a weeping willow tree and a cute little flower garden that wraps all the way around my house into the back yard leading to my garden full of fresh veggies. I’d have some sort of goody baking away in the kitchen, the windows in my house would be open and the curtains would be blowing in the summer breeze as I sat curled up on my porch, waiting for my babies to wake from their nap. I’d probably be dreaming up what to make for supper, taking in to consideration that my TALL, DARK HEADED, ROUGH HANDED, cowboy had just mentioned he was craving my homemade lasagna. I’d be able to look to my left and to my right and see pasture that spread for acres and acres and my nostrils would be happy and full of my favorite smell…..cows. Is this really too much to ask for? Because I really want it to be more than a day dream. I don’t want to live in town. I want to hear my husband’s truck coming down the gravel drive instead of thousands of cars rolling down a highway that stretches for miles. I want to hear my babies laughing as they roll around in the yard with our dogs. I want a red front door and a porch with hanging ferns and wicker chairs. And I would not be opposed to this dream coming true in the south. Sigh.