Day Nineteen


Day Nineteen: write about your first love.

I haven’t written in several weeks. Being a high school special education teacher during the months of March, April, and May mean that I have very limited time to write for fun. Most of my spare time is consumed with writing transition plans or updating progress reports, grades, and percentages. All the fun stuff that persuades people to become teachers. HA.

Today’s prompt is actually one I’ve avoided as well. On top of not having much extra time, I haven’t really been sure what I would even say about my “first love.” I mean, who was my first love, anyway? I could say that my parents were the first people I truly loved as a small child. I could even say that my dog named Bonnie was the first pet I ever really loved. Or I could write about the boy who swept me off my feet at age 16 when I thought puppy love was all we needed.

Instead I want to write about my daughter. My girl. My tiny, sassy, energetic, funny, baby girl. When Morgan was born, my husband started referring to her as Baby Girl and it has just kind of stuck. She’s not much of a baby anymore, more of a toddler really, but Baby Girl is what she is called a lot of the time. My parents call her Mo and her friend, Finley, calls her Morgy. Jaden and Karlee call her Baby Morgan, and I’m sure that when Morgan is 10 years old, they will still call her Baby Morgan.

I’ve been fortunate in that I was raised by parents who loved me immensely and I never wondered for a second if they didn’t. I’ve always wanted to a be a mother myself, but had no idea the love that I would feel when I held her in my arms for the first time. When I found out that I was pregnant, I instantly had this feeling of love for the tiny human growing inside me. I remember the doctor asking if I wanted to do any testing to see if the baby had Down’s syndrome and I said no. She asked me why and I told her that it didn’t matter to me; I loved this baby no matter what. I can’t describe how it felt to find out I was pregnant other than it felt like I had loved this little person my entire life. I already knew that no matter what, there was nothing that would make me not love him or her.

When I went in to have Morgan, I pushed for several hours before having an emergency C-section. I was totally out for the entire surgery and I don’t remember any of the moments right after her delivery. This makes me sad to think of, but I know that the doctors were doing whatever it took to keep me and Morgan alive and healthy. When I got back to the room and was finally waking up, the nurse handed Morgan to me. She laid her on my bare chest so that both our skin was touching. There will never be adequate words to describe how I felt in that moment. Maybe it was the drugs; maybe it was a natural high that comes only from a maternal bond. Either way, I had never felt that way in my entire life. I loved this baby girl so much. She was mine. My little girl. The girl that would grow up to be my best friend. The girl that might be super annoyed by me in high school, but would know that I was her biggest fan and supporter. My girl.

As this year and five months have flown by, my love for has only grown deeper. Sometimes I look at her and think how could I be so lucky to be her momma. When she wakes up in the morning, she yells “MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA” from her room until I go in to get her. And she’s always smiling. I think about how much I love her and how I never knew love like this until I became a mom. I think about how there is literally nothing in this world that would make me not love her. NOTHING. Then I think about how God loves me in that same way. I mean, that right there is love beyond measure. There’s nothing I could do that would make him turn his back on me.

I love you, Baby Girl. You are my whole world. You are my first love. Forever.

Love, Momma


Day Eighteen


Day Eighteen: post 30 facts about yourself.

THIRTY? Really? This could take a couple days to write.

  1. I was born in Neosho, MO.
  2. I am 30 years old.
  3. I have two brothers, both younger.
  4. I am a special education teacher and I love my job.
  5. I love fresh picked flowers.
  6. I love summer.
  7. I hate winter.
  8. I’m insecure.
  9. I overthink everything.
  10. I lived in Dallas for two years.
  11. I’ve traveled to the Philippines.
  12. I’ve traveled to Mexico a lot.
  13. I’ve traveled to West Africa.
  14. I’ve traveled to Jamaica.
  15. I’ve traveled to the Cayman Islands.
  16. I can’t go a day without coffee.
  17. I don’t want anyone to talk to me until I’ve been awake for at least an hour.
  18. I love to shop online.
  19. I just love to shop.
  20. Camping is one of my favorite hobbies, but is a lot harder with a one year old.
  21. I almost always have a garden, but as stated above, everything is harder with a one year old.
  22. I’ve been married almost three years.
  23. I’m named after my great-grandmother Rachel Cantwell.
  24. I am a quarter American Indian.
  25. I have played the piano since I was five.
  26. My favorite food is sushi.
  27. I’m only 5’1″, but I wish I was about four inches taller.
  28. I love to give.
  29. I am horrible at responding to texts. HORRIBLE.
  30. I’m glad this is done.


Day Seventeen


Day Seventeen: post about your zodiac sign, and whether or not it fits you.

Born October 22, I fall under the sign of Libra. For the most part, I think most of the Libra characteristics define me with the exception of a few.

Some of the positive traits of a Libra are that they tend to be tactful, romantic, charming, diplomatic, and balanced. Most Libras are driven by their feelings of love. They are easy to talk to and are really good at talking. This also brings up the point that Libras are willing to listen to differing points of view. Most of the time, Libras will choose the middle path in order to please everyone. We are most definitely striving to please people. This can be good and bad at the same time. Libras find it hard to say no which can lead to feeling overwhelmed at times. Learning to say no has been one of my biggest personal struggles.Life sometimes feels like a juggling act and I’m learning how to find a healthy balance. But the good in this trait is that I do love to help people.

For every positive characteristic of a Libra, there is a negative trait to go with it. Libras are sometimes extremely superficial. I find myself focusing on outer beauty and this is why I often times have an unhealthy opinion of my own body. A lot of times, Libras are detached, unreliable, and extremely indecisive. YES, YES, and YES. I hate to admit those things about myself, but they are true. I am the world’s worst at backing out last minute. If you and I make plans, there is a huge chance I will back out. It’s not because I don’t want to hang out with people. I just really like to be home in my pajamas. And please, don’t ever ask me to make a quick decision. This drives my husband crazy. We were at a store this weekend and I couldn’t ever make up my mind about buying a hat that I liked. I actually went to the store three times and never bought the hat because I just couldn’t decide if I loved it enough to buy it. That’s a small decision. If it’s a decision that could be potentially life changing, I will probably die before the decision is ever made. I hate making decisions.Libras are very laid back, though. My theory is that most Libras are emotionally lazy – or laid back – so that they can avoid stress. We are often comforted by material things. This is why I always have Amazon boxes waiting for me on the porch when I get home from work.

When I read this, I think to myself – gosh, Libras kind of suck. HAHA. Self-indulgent people who are driven by materialistic wants. Indecisive, superficial, and unreliable members of society. WOW. But we love with a deep, deep love. We are passionate. We love to make people happy. It’s a fine line.

To all the Libras out there – here’s to another day of not wanting to make decisions, not being able to say no, and to overthinking everything. 🙂 XOXO

Day Sixteen


Day Sixteen: something that you miss.

Well. Where do I start? I miss my grandpa Ray. I miss my aunt Roxanne. I miss being a kid with no adult responsibilities. I miss sleeping in on Saturdays. I miss spending the weekend with my BFF, Christin, exploring new towns and flea markets. I miss running. I miss my daughter right now. I miss the beach. I miss the mountains. I miss the heat of summer. I miss how my daughter used to sleep on my chest when she was itty bitty. I miss some of my students from East Newton. I miss Jess, Jen, and Ariana.

You know what, though? I’m happy where I’m at. I do miss those things and those people. But I’m happy right here. 🙂


Day Fifteen


Day Fifteen: bullet point your whole day.

I have no desire to write a bullet point list of what I anticipate today’s activities to be. For one, my life is not that exciting. My life is predictable and monotonous. And secondly, today’s agenda is not what is weighing on my heart this morning.

Chip and I went to a couple’s retreat with some friends from church last weekend. We needed it. I felt like our marriage was kind of in a rut, so to speak. We needed a weekend away, without the responsibility of being parents, and to rejuvenate. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t stopped loving my husband. If you’ve been married for any amount of time, you just know that there are so many curve balls being thrown, and life has a way of bogging you down. Chip and I had never really had more than a small argument before we had Morgan. Becoming parents rocked our world. I wouldn’t change the fact that we have her, but it changed our lives in so many ways. Suddenly, I was angry with him all of the time. I was angry that he couldn’t get up in the night to breast feed. I was angry that I was tired 100% of the time. I was angry that he could leave the house and be with adults all day while I sat at home all day having zero interaction with the outside world. After I went back to work, I remained angry at him. I’d been angry for so long that it was the new normal. There was nothing he could do right in my eyes. He’d work late hours only to come home, saddle his horse, and head to the arena. And I was furious. I’d yell and scream and tell him how horrible he was. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t wanting to be at home with me. HELLO. I was not a nice person to be around. I don’t think anyone would want to be around me if I treated them the way I was treating my husband. He was gone so much and the more he was gone, the angrier I got, and then the more he’d stay away. I never dreamed of talking to my closest friends the way I talked to him. If I did, they wouldn’t be my friends.

Fast forward to present day. When Chip and I were at the couple’s retreat last weekend, something was said that struck a chord with me. We have friends named Joy and David. They’ve been married a lot longer than Chip and I have. They are experts. 🙂 David said that men will go where they feel most successful. So, if he doesn’t feel successful at home, he will go where he does get that sense of being successful and needed. NO WONDER CHIP WANTED TO WORK LATE! NO WONDER HE WANTED TO ROPE UNTIL MIDNIGHT SEVERAL NIGHTS A WEEK. NO WONDER HE WANTS TO GOLF EVERY CHANCE HE GETS. I was making it miserable for him to be at home and I was not making him feel like the leader of our home the way God intends.

I had to ask God to change my heart and take that nasty bitterness away so that I can love my husband the way Christ loves me. The weekend before we went on this little get away, I sat at the bar at Lucky J telling my girlfriends how mad I was at Chip for golfing all the time. Now don’t get me wrong, I want Chip to have hobbies that he enjoys but I also desire for him to spend time with me and Morgan. It’s a balance that we have to work out but one that will never even out as long as I’m constantly at his throat about not spending time with me.It’s like I’m pushing him away by griping that he isn’t with me.

So many people I know right now are unhappy in their marriage. I could list off couple after couple that aren’t happy and that makes my heart break. Marriage is hard but it doesn’t have to be. Start by asking God to change YOUR heart and to reveal to you the parts that he wants to soften and redirect. Ask him to help you love the way He loves.

Last night, I was so mad at my husband. I could’ve spit fire. My words were sharp and hurtful. I could’ve probably justified my words but that’s not the point. I hurt my husband instead of talking to him about what was on my mind in a civil way. So you see, just because we went to a couple’s retreat last weekend doesn’t mean we suddenly have all the answers. We won’t ever have all the answers. We do understand, though, that regardless of whether we strive to have a Godly marriage or whether we choose to throw it all away, we are leaving a legacy for our daughter. Which legacy do you want to leave for your kids? I want Morgan to see an example of a marriage that was fostered with a deep love, one that comes from Christ. I want her to see two people that love unconditionally. I want her to see God in our marriage. I want her to know that when marriage gets tough, you just love harder and push through the rough patches.

Proverbs 27:15-16The Message (MSG)

15-16 A nagging spouse is like
    the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet;
You can’t turn it off,
    and you can’t get away from it.

I love you, Chip. I’m sorry I was a drippy faucet last night. 🙂

Day Fourteen


Day Fourteen: post your favorite movies that you never get tired of watching

I LOVE TO WATCH MOVIES! My husband, on the other hand, is not a huge movie watcher. Typically, he falls asleep before the previews are over. He’s getting better, though. 🙂

  1. Dumb and Dumber
  2. Remember the Titans
  3. Home Alone
  4. pretty much any Disney movie
  5. Orange County
  6. Blindside
  7. It’s a Wonderful Life

Right now, this is all I can think of. My brain is too tired to function.

Day Thirteen


Day Thirteen: what are you excited about?

Wow. What a morning. I forgot my school  bag. I forgot my phone. I forgot my watch. I spilled coffee all down the front of me. And I’m starving! HAPPY TUESDAY, everyone! To say that I’m excited about getting away this weekend is an understatement.

I love spending time with the people I love. Whether it’s a night at home watching a movie or a weekend out of town, as long as I’m with my people, I’m happy. This coming weekend, my husband, daughter, and I are headed to one of my favorite places on earth: Pawhuska, Oklahoma. We’re staying in a cute little cabin with a fireplace at Osage County State Park. I hope that in the evening, it’s cool enough for a fire. We plan to hike, fish, go see the buffalo at the tall grass prairie, and of course, eat some really good food. Saturday morning, I’m taking Chip to The Mercantile because he’s never been. If it isn’t super busy, we might try to eat breakfast there.

I can’t wait to spend some amazing quality time with my little family away from the hustle and bustle of every day life!! It will be a nice little break!!