Postpartum Depression: it’s a real thing.

It seems like everyone I know has either just had a baby or is getting ready to have a baby soon, myself included!! This pregnancy has flown by for me, and I think having a toddler to chase around has helped pass the time!! I have a little over six weeks until my C-section is scheduled, and I pray that these weeks zip by like the last 30 something have!!

With all the babies being born, I wanted to take a minute to talk about my struggle with postpartum depression. I’ve shared my story before, but in my opinion, it’s worth sharing again. Postpartum depression, or the baby blues, isn’t talked about enough and there are so many mommas who struggle with this and need to know they aren’t alone.

When I had my first baby, no one warned me just how incredibly hard it was going to be. I mean, I went from being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it, to all of a sudden doing nothing but breast feeding and changing diapers. I was like IS THIS MY LIFE FOREVER? I knew before I had her that my life was going to change but I had no idea how drastically or in what ways. I was tired ALL THE TIME. I was angry. Then I felt guilty for being angry. I wondered if my baby felt enough love from me. My hormones were raging. I was depressed, but didn’t realize I was depressed and getting worse by the day. I had no freaking clue what was going on with me and my body. There were times when Morgan would be screaming and I’d have no clue what she needed so I’d lay her on the floor of her bedroom and walk out so I could gather my thoughts in a different (much more quiet) room. I knew that if I didn’t, I might be one of those moms you hear about on the news. HAHA. There were days when I was like, “Well, I’m done. I quit. I don’t want to be a mom anymore.” Then I’d have to laugh at myself because those weren’t even close to being options. I remember on St. Patrick’s Day after Morgan was born my cousins sent me a picture in a text of them out and about doing fun adult things and I got so mad at them. How dare they have fun while I’m sitting in a rocking chair with a baby on my boob!! HA. I would get so annoyed with my husband every night around 2:00 A.M. while I was feeding. I could hear him in the other room snoring and I’d have thoughts of shoving his head into a pillow so he couldn’t breathe. I’m telling you guys, birthing a child does a number on not only your physical body, but your mind as well. When Morgan was around nine months old, I knew I had to talk to my doctor about getting some help.

I remember sitting in my doctor’s office, crying, afraid he was going to call DFS on me when I told him I couldn’t stand to look at my baby because I was so depressed and sad and lonely and tired. Turns out he didn’t turn me in,  but he did tell me I was 100% normal and that I needed to try some medicine. I was like DUDE GIVE ME ALL THE MEDS RIGHT NOW. We tried several different medications until I found one that I knew was working for me. My daughter is two years old and I’m almost eight months pregnant and I STILL take 300mg of Wellbutrin on a daily basis. That’s the maximum dose, my friends.

Postpartum depression is real! Not everyone experiences it on the level that I did, and some don’t experience it at all. My mom was like a freaking unicorn with rainbows shooting out of her butt during and after pregnancy. She tells me she loved everything about it. My mom is a rare breed. 🙂 But friends, listen. It’s seriously okay if you’re sad after having your baby. It’s actually kind of normal. Hang in there. I’ve failed my daughter so many times, it’s unreal. But at the end of the day, she is still my girl. She still loves me and she still wants to give me kisses and wants me to play with her and read books to her. I started taking medication so I could be a better mom for her. I know some people don’t like the idea of taking meds every day, and I get that, but listen people — I had to do it and I’m so thankful for my doctor and for modern medicine. My husband thanks my doctor as well. HAHA.

Mommas, hang in there. They are only little once. I remember when Morgan wouldn’t fall asleep without breast feeding or me rocking her to sleep. You know they say there will always be a last time for those things, and you won’t even realize it when it’s the last time………… it just sort of happens. Gosh, that’s so true. Morgan goes to bed on her own now. She just crawls up in her big girl bed and we say her prayers and she tells me goodnight and I shut her door and that’s that. I wish she would let me rock her sometimes, but that’s a thing of the past. All those nights I was angry that I had to be up feeding her and not asleep in my own bed — I miss those. Isn’t that crazy?!?! I’d give anything for her to be my tiny little baby again. Crap. Now I’m crying. Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but oh the most incredible blessing God has ever given me at the same time. He trusted me to be their momma. Something no one else can do. It’s so worth it, Mommas. I’m on your side. I’m in your corner. And in just a few short weeks, I’ll be up at all hours of the night with a brand new, tiny baby and I’ll think things like “WILL I EVER SLEEP AGAIN?” and “I WANT TO KILL MY HUSBAND FOR GETTING ME PREGNANT.” and “OH MY GOSH I LOVE THE SOUNDS THIS BABY MAKES WHEN HE EATS….” and it’ll all be worth it. Let’s do this together, Mommas. We need each other.