I’ve had no less than five people tell me that I look tired this morning. It’ true – I AM tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I’m tired. Exhausted actually. I had bit of a – what should I call it – breakdown last weekend. More like a “freak out, call your husband horrible names, say terrible things” kind of situation. I’m embarrassed about it. Part of me wants to blame these raging pregnancy hormones surging through my body, but I also know that I have to own my actions and words and say I’m sorry then move on. That’s hard to do, though. Especially for someone like me who internalizes everything. I overthink. I overanalyze. I lose sleep over things that I said or did months ago. That is probably part of the reason why I’m so dang tired. Add to that the fact that my two year old, who has been a wonderful sleeper since day one, has not been sleeping well at all for a couple months. That’s part of this parenting gig, though, so I learned a long time ago that complaining about it really doesn’t make the situation better.
If I’m being completely honest, I feel like I’m half-assing everything in my life. Not by choice. That’s just about all I have to offer right now. I’m barely keeping my head above water. Aren’t we all, though? I don’t know. I want to give 100% in every area of my life, but I’m being pulled in so many directions that I can’t really afford to give 100%. Planning lessons, setting up IEP meetings, preparing for IEP meetings, having IEP meetings, updating IEPs, progress monitoring – the list goes on and on – leaves me very little time to be an effective teacher. If all I did was paperwork, I’d be awesome at paperwork. If all I did was plan my lessons and teach them, I’d be a way more effective teacher. If I wasn’t so mentally drained at the end of the day, I would feel more like interacting with my daughter. If I had just a little more time and energy, my house could stay clean and the laundry would be put away instead of the five baskets full of clothes on my bedroom floor. Maybe if I wasn’t constantly trying to figure out how to squeeze in one more thing to do, I wouldn’t dread making dinner for my family at night. Maybe I would actually walk three miles every evening like I did before I was married and had kids. Maybe I would be a better friend and not cringe when I’m asked to hang out with people on the weekends. Maybe I would be a little more excited to have baby #2 in four months. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? I’m excited, but the last five months I’ve been too busy to even remember that I’m pregnant some days.
So, yes. I AM tired. But I have to keep on keepin’ on. What other options do I have, really?