My little girl wakes every morning like a shot from a pistol. She wears a shirt sometimes that says NEVER SLOW DOWN and it’s so true. She is full of life and spunk. She’s independent, smart, and fast! She talks nonstop. She wears me out at times. Oh, but I love her so much. I love to watch her play. Lately she’s been saying “I’m okay…..I’m okay,” when she falls down or gets hurt in some way. She’s tough. She isn’t afraid of anything. She loves to collect bugs and dead worms. She will ride our horse all day long if we let her. BY HERSELF. It scares me half to death to watch her in the saddle by herself, but her daddy is teaching her to sit and hold the reins and how to tell the horse to go and stop. It’s terrifying and exciting all at once. I hope she is always ready to take on a challenge.
I am absolutely terrified of raising a little girl. Don’t get me wrong – she is my pride and joy, the best thing that has ever happened to me. But how do I raise a confident, self-loving daughter when I have zero self-confidence or love towards myself? I’m a teacher. I teach what I know. I learn new things to teach my students. I’m constantly looking for ways to help my students be successful after high school. But how – how on earth- do I teach my daughter to love herself when I don’t know what it’s like to love me? I find myself looking in the mirror and saying nasty things out loud about myself while Morgan is standing in the room with me and I instantly feel bad because I don’t want her to hear those things. I don’t want her to soak those words up and think them about herself. What a sad thought that is. I’m almost always over analyzing every situation. When I’m in a crowd, my anxiety is through the roof because I can’t stop thinking about what everyone else is thinking about me. Are they looking at my jiggly arms? My belly? My thighs? The gaps in my teeth? What are they thinking about me? It’s a disgusting obsession that I have, honestly. I have been so depressed and discouraged lately because I’ve gained weight. I realize I’m pregnant but every time I look down and see my belly has gotten bigger, I feel disgusting. I feel so gross.
So how……………..how do I raise Morgan to be better? I don’t want her to be like me. I don’t want her to hate what she sees in the mirror. She’s so beautiful….her eyes, her smile, her perfect skin, and her curly hair. But it isn’t just her outer beauty. She’s funny, she’s so happy, she’s smart, she loves her friends and her cousins. I never want her to miss out on an opportunity because she isn’t confident in who she is. I never want her to turn down a job because she feels inadequate. I never want her to turn down an invitation because she doesn’t feel pretty enough to hang out in a crowd.
So what do I do from here?