Day Fifteen: bullet point your whole day.
I have no desire to write a bullet point list of what I anticipate today’s activities to be. For one, my life is not that exciting. My life is predictable and monotonous. And secondly, today’s agenda is not what is weighing on my heart this morning.
Chip and I went to a couple’s retreat with some friends from church last weekend. We needed it. I felt like our marriage was kind of in a rut, so to speak. We needed a weekend away, without the responsibility of being parents, and to rejuvenate. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t stopped loving my husband. If you’ve been married for any amount of time, you just know that there are so many curve balls being thrown, and life has a way of bogging you down. Chip and I had never really had more than a small argument before we had Morgan. Becoming parents rocked our world. I wouldn’t change the fact that we have her, but it changed our lives in so many ways. Suddenly, I was angry with him all of the time. I was angry that he couldn’t get up in the night to breast feed. I was angry that I was tired 100% of the time. I was angry that he could leave the house and be with adults all day while I sat at home all day having zero interaction with the outside world. After I went back to work, I remained angry at him. I’d been angry for so long that it was the new normal. There was nothing he could do right in my eyes. He’d work late hours only to come home, saddle his horse, and head to the arena. And I was furious. I’d yell and scream and tell him how horrible he was. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t wanting to be at home with me. HELLO. I was not a nice person to be around. I don’t think anyone would want to be around me if I treated them the way I was treating my husband. He was gone so much and the more he was gone, the angrier I got, and then the more he’d stay away. I never dreamed of talking to my closest friends the way I talked to him. If I did, they wouldn’t be my friends.
Fast forward to present day. When Chip and I were at the couple’s retreat last weekend, something was said that struck a chord with me. We have friends named Joy and David. They’ve been married a lot longer than Chip and I have. They are experts. 🙂 David said that men will go where they feel most successful. So, if he doesn’t feel successful at home, he will go where he does get that sense of being successful and needed. NO WONDER CHIP WANTED TO WORK LATE! NO WONDER HE WANTED TO ROPE UNTIL MIDNIGHT SEVERAL NIGHTS A WEEK. NO WONDER HE WANTS TO GOLF EVERY CHANCE HE GETS. I was making it miserable for him to be at home and I was not making him feel like the leader of our home the way God intends.
I had to ask God to change my heart and take that nasty bitterness away so that I can love my husband the way Christ loves me. The weekend before we went on this little get away, I sat at the bar at Lucky J telling my girlfriends how mad I was at Chip for golfing all the time. Now don’t get me wrong, I want Chip to have hobbies that he enjoys but I also desire for him to spend time with me and Morgan. It’s a balance that we have to work out but one that will never even out as long as I’m constantly at his throat about not spending time with me.It’s like I’m pushing him away by griping that he isn’t with me.
So many people I know right now are unhappy in their marriage. I could list off couple after couple that aren’t happy and that makes my heart break. Marriage is hard but it doesn’t have to be. Start by asking God to change YOUR heart and to reveal to you the parts that he wants to soften and redirect. Ask him to help you love the way He loves.
Last night, I was so mad at my husband. I could’ve spit fire. My words were sharp and hurtful. I could’ve probably justified my words but that’s not the point. I hurt my husband instead of talking to him about what was on my mind in a civil way. So you see, just because we went to a couple’s retreat last weekend doesn’t mean we suddenly have all the answers. We won’t ever have all the answers. We do understand, though, that regardless of whether we strive to have a Godly marriage or whether we choose to throw it all away, we are leaving a legacy for our daughter. Which legacy do you want to leave for your kids? I want Morgan to see an example of a marriage that was fostered with a deep love, one that comes from Christ. I want her to see two people that love unconditionally. I want her to see God in our marriage. I want her to know that when marriage gets tough, you just love harder and push through the rough patches.
Proverbs 27:15-16The Message (MSG)
15-16 A nagging spouse is like
the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet;
You can’t turn it off,
and you can’t get away from it.
I love you, Chip. I’m sorry I was a drippy faucet last night. 🙂