Life · Uncategorized

This Is Where I’m At: week one

I’ve been taking Wellbutrin for one week now. I haven’t noticed much of a change in the sadness that I feel most days, but I do know that it will take at least a month for there to be any significant change. I desperately hope that this medicine works for me. The last couple of days, I have felt so low. Sadness has draped my shoulders like a weighted jacket and I feel like I’m on the verge of tears at any moment. I feel so alone right now. I feel like I’m invisible to everyone around me. I feel like I’m screaming but no one hears me. I’ve learned how to pretend everything is okay. I’m actually really good at that. But oh how I wish someone would grab me by the shoulders and start ripping all these layers of pretending off of me, all the layers of sadness and loneliness. I use food as a coping mechanism. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m lonely. I eat to fill a void. Then I look at myself in the mirror and I’m disgusted with what I see. After gaining so much weight while pregnant and not losing the weight, I hate myself so much. I can’t stand what I see. I hate my double chin and giant arms and legs and my stomach that is covered in stretch marks and layers of fat. I really think that the way I look has a direct effect on the severity of my depression. But it’s a vicious cycle. I hate what I see. I eat more food. I hate what I see. I eat more food. I hate what I see…..I eat. Anyway, this is where I’m at one week after starting the medication. I hope that I can report differently next week.