Monthly Archives: February 2014

Happy Happy Happy

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Over Christmas break, I started reading a book called One Thousand Gifts that my bff, Christin, gave to me as a gift. Long story short, it is an amazing book that has challenged me to dig deep and focus on the things, big and small, that make me happy. And I’m not just talking about the obvious things. This book has challenged me to take what might be a crummy situation and force myself to find at least one thing within these circumstances that I can still be happy or positive about. For instance, I’m not at my goal weight for my wedding but I’m marrying my best friend and he loves me regardless and that makes me happy. ūüôā So, today I leave you with a list and a challenge….a list of a few things, big and small alike, that make me happy and a challenge to stop and smell the roses. To look past the thorns and see the beauty in all of God’s marvelous creations.

Things that make me happy:

1. writing with a Sharpie marker

2. my avacado masher

3. my KitchenAid stand mixer

4. watching The Bachelor

5. fishing

6. kissing

7. cooking/baking

8. flea markets with my bff

9. breakfast on Saturdays

10. my best friend, Christin

11. summer

12. road trips

13. all the junk I’ve collected from flea markets

14. cows

15. the smell of a horse barn

16. bonfires

17. scarves

18. longsleeve shirts and shorts kinda weather

19. watching my fiance rope

20. seeing my niece smile

21. hearing my nephew say, “I am a robot” in the most hilarious robot voice

22. when my brother sends me jokes

23. my wedding ring

24. harmony in a song

25. sunflower seeds

AND so many more. Take some time today find something that really makes you happy. It might be hard at first, but I’ve found that when I’m in that state of mind, looking for the good in everything, it gets easier and you are left feeling happier than if you are constantly looking at the negative in the things/people around you.

Snap Out Of It.

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For lunch today, I packed an 80 calorie orange creme pie yogurt, and HOLY CRAP, it is delish. Its taste takes me to summer which is exactly where I want to be. If I close my eyes as I take a bite, I can feel the tug of a giant bass on the end of my line, I can smell the honeysuckle growing in my backyard, and I can see green life all around me. Oh how I long for the days of summer.

While I’m daydreaming, my mind wanders off to a place that I’ve only ever been in my thoughts. I love it here. I love the smell of pies and cakes and home cooked meals that come from my kitchen. I love the cattle that I see when I stop and glance out the kitchen window. I love the sound of dogs barking in the yard as the run freely, without the fear of cars whizzing by. I’m in the country, and the smell of fresh cut flowers sitting on my kitchen table make me smile. I love the way the curtains blow in the breeze and when I see my babies headed to the barn to saddle their horses with Daddy, my heart skips a beat, so full of love for these humans that God has entrusted to my husband and me. I walk outside, my garden is in full bloom. I can’t help but stop and stare at the giant sunflowers that line the perimeter of my garden. My hands carry a basket full of cucumbers and tomatoes and squash and on the way¬† back to the house, I can’t help but stop to bend down and clip a few more fresh cut flowers for my baby girl. She loves their smell just like her momma. She is beautiful, inside and out,¬†and her brother is ornery like his dad, full of life and jokes. My heart is so full of love for my babies. In this dream, I can feel their hugs and I can smell their skin and their hair and I can hear their voices telling me all about their day. I can feel my hand¬†wiping away¬†the tears they cry when they fall and scratch a knee or when we’ve lost a pet¬†that was more like family. I can hear my babies squeal with excitement as they wait patiently in front of the oven for their first ever homemade¬† batch of cookies to be done. In this dream, I sit on the front porch, the smell of cows and fresh cut grass linger in my nostrils and I smile because God has been so good to me. I hold the hand of my dream come true as we watch our babies growing before our very eyes, two kids wrestling in the yard with a floppy-eared basset hound, arguing over who he loves the most, both covered in sloppy basset hound kisses. And we laugh because we know that one day they’ll be more than just siblings, they’ll be best friends.

Then the bell rings and I know that my daydreaming must come to an end, for in just a few short moments, I will have a little over 20 sets of eyeballs staring at me, waiting for instructions on how to multiply and divide fractions. But if I’m honest, this dream of mine never really ends. Every time my eyes close, even if just to blink, my dream plays in mind like a movie I’ve watched over and over and over.

Dang, that orange cream pie yogurt can really make a girl think………….

Bleh.

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I feel like this is the safest place for me to vent my frustrations because, let’s be real, who reads this unkept blog anyway? Unless I share a link on Facebook, I highly doubt there will be more than 5 views. So, I’m just going to write whatever I’m feeling right now.

Currently, I’m frustrated. I’m kind of angry, mostly at myself. And I’m fat.

I’m frustrated because in less than four months, I’ll be saying my “I do’s” in front of a crowd of people and I am nowhere near the weight that I would like to be. In fact, I’ve gained 20 pounds since August. Disgusting. I joke and say things like, “Well, at least we know I’m happy/comfortable,” but in reality, I am far from either of those things. I have no one to blame except myself. And that leads me to the next point: I’m angry. I’m upset that I let myself gain so much weight even after I was already overweight. I stand only 5’1″ and I have 45 pounds to lose before I will even start to be happy with the way I look. And please, don’t feed me the line of “being happy with who I am” because that’s not going to happen until I lose a crap ton of weight.

It’s hard for me to think that my fiance’ even wants to look at me on most days. He tells me that he doesn’t care about my weight but, come on, guys are visually stimulated and there is nothing stimulating about me.

There is not one single day, or hour, that passes by that I don’t think about my body. When I eat, I am plagued with thoughts of how I can get rid of what I’m putting in my body and I feel guilty for eating. I know I have to eat to survive, but even when I make healthy choices, I obsess about the food I’m eating. It’s ridiculous and most people don’t get it. It makes me depressed. It rules my thoughts. It drives a wedge between me and my fiance’ on a lot of days. I try to explain to him that it’s hard for me to believe that anyone could love a creature as disgusting as myself, but for someone who doesn’t suffer from this kind of problem, it is extremely hard to understand.

Again, I know it’s my fault. I’m the one who puts the food in my mouth. I’m the one with terrible eating habits. I’m the one who goes straight to food for comfort and then hates myself after the fact. It’s me. No one else. I try to change,¬† but the addiction to food and the obsession with trying to lose weight is so powerful. It has a hold on me.

I started taking Plexus Slim six days ago. Every testimonial on their website said that people start losing weight within three days. Well, I’m “happy” to report that on day six, I haven’t even lost an ounce. Leave it to me to be the exception to the rule. Bleh.

I don’t care if you think I’m feeling sorry for myself, because I am. I know if I’d hit the gym and be active like I used to be, I’d see changes. But it’s so hard to explain. When I’m in such a low place emotionally, I honestly have zero energy or desire to do anything but go to bed at 7:00pm.

I suppose I should stop ranting now. I’m just having one of those days……….