Letting Love In.

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First of all, I am so stinkin’ excited to marry the man of my dreams. He is undeniably the most amazing human to ever walk into my life. And to think that if one minor detail of the day we met had been changed, I may never have been given the opportunity to become the future Mrs. Cortez. It gives me the goosies just thinking about it. For those of you that don’t know how it all went down, let me give you the short version. My ag teacher from college called and asked me to do him a favor and work at a calf roping two nights before the event. I was kinda riding the fence on whether or not I wanted to do it until he said the words, “There WILL be cowboys, and not just cowboys, but the best of the best.” So I of course took him up on his offer. Unbeknownst to me, my future husband would also be there that beautiful June 1st day. Long story short, I saw him. He saw me. I thought he was married. He thought I had a boyfriend. I stalked him on facebook with my bff, Christin, and we found out he WASN’T married, so I sent him a private message and the rest is history. So, thank you Jorge Zapata, for asking me to work the calf roping. I really did meet the best of the best that day. And thank you, Christin, for your incredible FBI skills and for telling me, what the heck, just send him a message. I’m so glad I did.

So now that you’ve sat through a history lesson on my love life, let me dig a little deeper and give you the skinny on something that I really struggle with. Like, a lot. Before I say anything, let me first say that Chip (that’s my man for those of you that don’t know) is, by far, the most selfless person I know. Chip would give you the last dollar he had or the shirt off his own back just to help. He’s a giver of his time, his talents (which do include talking! – love you, honey!), and anything else that he is capable of giving. He’s just naturally a giver. We pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store about a month ago on one of the coldest days winter has given us and Chip noticed a lady trying to change her tire. He didn’t even hesitate, he just pulled in right next to her, hopped out, and went right to work. That’s just the kind of guy he is and that quality is one of the many reasons it was so easy to fall in love with him.

After all this being said, I still find myself struggling – almost on a daily basis – to let Chip help ME. You guys, he does so much for me. Seriously. He goes above and beyond. When he sees that I need something, he is Jonny on the spot, making sure that my needs are met. But it is really hard for me to vocalize to him when I am in need or for me to allow him to help me. I know that we are supposed to forgive and FORGET our past, but forgetting is the hardest part for me. I’ve forgiven, but forgetting the way I was treated before scares me to the point that a lot of times, it’s easier to try and do things on my own and not have to depend on anyone else. In the past, when I was in need of anything, sure those needs might be met, but not without a ton of verbal abuse to go along with it……words that made me feel like I’d never amount to anything on my own and that I was worthless without that help and that because I was in need, I was less of a human being. So now, when something does come up, instead of going to Chip – who is about to be my husband and life long PARTNER – I tend to clam up and try to figure out how to fix the problem on my own. The good thing is this: I know it’s a problem. I have to allow Chip to help me and I have to get out of the mindset that my problems or needs are a burden to him. He tells me over and over that he WANTS to help me and that he will do anything he is humanly possible to do to help me. And I know he means it. He is a man of his words. But the challenging part is letting him tear down that wall I’ve built. And I can promise you, it’s a tall one.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m so thankful God gave me the most loving, giving, selfless human being ever created. Chip is the truest definition of a giver. I just have to let him help me because when I don’t, I’m telling him I don’t need him, that I don’t want a partnership, that I can do this on my own and the truth is, I can’t. I DO NEED HIM. I just have to remind myself that when I let him help me, I’m letting him show me that he loves me. It doesn’t mean that I’m less of a human or the weaker person in our partnership. We’re a team. Team members work together.

So that being said, Honey, I hope you’re reading this because I NEED a basset hound for Valentine’s Day. Babe, I’m just trying to let you help me. That’s all. 🙂

Love ya, Rach

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