fat

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I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t at least a little chunky. Looking back at pictures from my childhood, I was always somewhat pudgy and frumpy and what were considered cute little “Michelin Man” fat rolls on my legs as a baby developed into not so cute, short, stubby legs as a preteen. Unfortunately, as I got older, I never really grew out of the pudgy, frumpy body and being overweight is something I’ve struggled with for 27 years now. I’ve never in me entire life been comfortable in a swimsuit. In fact, I pride myself in being able to avoid all situations that would require a swimsuit and, let’s be real, shorts aren’t even an option on most days. I don’t wear sleeveless shirts because my arms look like sausages crammed inside plastic wrapping and my midsection is the reason maxi dresses and flowy tops were invented. I know what you’re probably thinking–that I don’t exercise or eat right and that “abs are made in the kitchen,” and hard work and dedication would render the slim, fit body that I crave. And to a point, you’re right. I don’t always eat right. I have cheat days. And I really don’t work out as much as I should. But I am very active. I run. I keep my calories at 1200 or less (usually less) every day and I try, for the most part, to eat fairly clean. I’ve developed such a hate towards mirrors. When I wash my hands, you can rest assured that I will not look in the mirror in front of me. I hate catching my reflection in a window and the fear of people judging my body is something that nags at my mind almost always. I try to avoid people who are thin and in great shape because I fear they think of me as a lesser being.

Anyway, I guess I’m just having one of those days. But aren’t we all entitled to one of those every now and then?

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2 responses »

  1. Hello Rachel. Just to let you know it’s ok to feel the way you do. You are only human. You have your whole life ahead of you to make that positive change you want to see in yourself. It’s not how you start but how you finish. Once you believe it you can achieve it. So go out and take charge of your life. Good luck!

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