Aunt Roxanne

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So many emotions running through me right now. Anger. I’m mad that she’s gone. I’m mad that she’s not here to see me walk across the stage. I’m angry that she’s not here to watch my cousins walk across the stage. I’m angry that she’s not here to help me get ready at my wedding. I’m selfishly angry. And I’m sad. I’m sad that she won’t know my babies and that they don’t have the privilege of knowing her the way that I did. I’m sad that I can’t call her and hear her say, “Hello, sweetie!” Then I go back to being angry. Just angry that it was her and not someone else. I don’t wish death or the pain that comes with it on anyone, but why was she taken? Why my aunt Roxanne, the kindest, most loving, most giving, happiest, lady I ever knew? Why? I wish someone could tell me. Just tell me what the point was. I don’t want her to be gone. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and not be able to call her and tell her happy birthday. I don’t want to wake up Friday knowing that it’s been a year since she stepped into heaven. I want her to be here with me. I want to be with her on her birthday. I don’t want to lay flowers on a grave. I want to bring flowers to her house and feel her hug me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and as milestones come and go, there isn’t anyone else that I wish I could call and tell them to. There will never be a day that I don’t miss her. I won’t ever forget her laugh, her contagious laughter. I’m sad that I won’t ever hear her tell me that she loves me, but the special thing about my aunt was that did more than tell me that she loved me. She showed me. She made me feel that love. She lived her love out and because of that, I feel it every single day. I feel it in so many ways, like when I see flowers blooming or when the sun peeks through the clouds on a rainy day. I feel her love when my nephew comes running to me with his arms wide open. I know how to love as an aunt because she taught me what it was all about. I love her so much. And I miss her so badly. I’d give anything, anything at all, to have her back.

I love you, Aunt Roxanne. I can’t wait to get to heaven so I can see you again. If there’s a spa in heaven, I’m sure you have reservations waiting for when I get there for a mani/pedi.  God, I miss you. I miss you so much.

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