Let’s Be Real

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I’m all about honesty and I’m known for wearing my heart on my sleeve. So sue me. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, really. I mean let’s be real. I could be known for a lot worse things. So I’ll proudly wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m not afraid to put my life on blast. I do it in hopes that someone, somewhere will relate to my stories, my life experiences and see that if I can make it out alive and in one piece, they can as well.

It’s really weird for me to look back at where I was exactly one year ago. To be honest, I almost don’t believe it myself. And I can truthfully say that if it weren’t for the grace of God and a very supportive family, I probably wouldn’t be where I’m at right now. My heart was all kinds of screwed up. A year ago, I was actively searching out someone to just take my heart and love it, someone to “complete” me, someone to make me happy. I was looking for someone that would make me feel better about myself. And, to top it all off, I was looking in all the wrong places. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about wanting to have someone in my life that can turn a bad day into a good one. I want someone who can look at me and just melt my heart with his smile. But a year ago, my priorities were all wrong. I thought I needed someone in my life in order to feel like I was worth anything. I needed the validation of having a boyfriend. I just wanted to have a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. I had just left my boyfriend of almost five years. I didn’t have the slightest clue as to how to be single and enjoy being single. I didn’t know what to do with my time. I hated it. I hated every single thing about being single. I was a mess. I met a guy at the gym who I agreed to go on a date with, knowing full well that guys like him were NOT my type. I spent quite a bit of time with him knowing that he was far from anyone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So why was I so upset when he suddenly decided he didn’t want to see me anymore? Oh, I suppose it was my pride, partly. Because even though I knew I didn’t really like him like that, it nearly killed me that he didn’t like me. What was wrong with me?? Then I met a guy through some mutual friends. We went on one date and I knew right away that I didn’t like him. The entire meal was awkward and he was super hairy. But when he didn’t ask me on a second date, you would’ve thought my life was over. It was end times, or so I thought. It didn’t take long, though, until I had moved on. I started talking to a tall, dark headed cowboy. And I just knew-he was it. That lasted about a month. We spent a weekend in Tulsa. Had fun. Well, what I remember of it anyway, and then we parted ways and never talked again. Keep in mind, all these prospects were within a two month span. So, in these two months, I had allowed my heart to get invested (on some level), and was feeling really crappy about myself because I couldn’t figure out why in the heck these guys didn’t like me. Then, about a month later, after I had decided my life was in ruins and I was just gonna write the whole dating thing off, I met one of the sweetest guys that has ever walked this earth. For real. And I fell fast and hard. We dated for three months, give or take, and I couldn’t find one single thing about him that wasn’t admirable. He was perfect in so many ways. But, he wasn’t perfect for me. And it was killing me. I could not figure out why I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought about life with him forever. I had never in my life met a more loving, more understanding, more patient person. He was the total opposite of any guy I had ever even thought of dating. Still, I knew he wasn’t the one. So in June, I ended things with him and let me tell ya, that was the hardest thing I had done in a really, really long time. I knew I hurt him. And I second guessed my decision for a long time. I even acted like a freaking crazy ex-girlfriend for longer than I’m willing to admit. But in the back of my mind, I absolutely knew he wasn’t the one for me. I was so confused. I didn’t really question whether I was good enough in this situation because I had been the one to end things, but still, I didn’t understand why he wasn’t just chasing after me, begging me to come back. So. July rolled around and I met the Bull Rider from the South. Can we all just have a moment of silence for those southern drawls?? Thank you, Lord. Oh my. There ain’t nothing sweeter, more appealing, than a man in jeans, boots, cowboy hat, and a southern drawl. And boy was he a charmer. We exchanged numbers the night we met, but I didn’t think I’d ever hear from him. He proved me wrong there, and we kept in touch almost every day for quite a while. I’ll admit, I looked forward to the times he’d call me because nothing makes my heart go pitter-pat like a southern drawl. But that gradually tapered off, and there I was, alone again. No man to talk to at night before I went to bed. No man was texting me first thing in the morning to say that they hoped I had slept well. No one was telling me I was pretty. No one was making me feel complete. And I freaking hated it. I thought I was gonna lose my mind. Then one day, sometime at the beginning of October, I was really feeling sorry for myself and I thought I’d give the whole “talking to God” thing a try. So after I’d had one of those really ugly cries, you know the one where you have snot in your hair when it’s all said and done, I just said, “God, I give up. I’m done looking. I’m done feeling this way.” And I meant it. I really did. I started really taking time every morning to read my bible and I found a devotion for women that has so much truth in it. And as I began to throw all my attention, my longings, my wants in to developing my relationship with Christ instead of with a man, I realized how much happier I was. I began to see that no man was ever going to complete me. I know this may all sound very cliché, but it’s the truest I’ve ever been. You know, it was getting exhausting, being on that never ending search for Mr. Right. And then the heartache that I felt when things didn’t work out was really starting to wear on me. I cried a lot of stupid tears that I shouldn’t have over guys that weren’t worth my time. Or over guys that moved on faster than I did. I had let a man abuse me in so many ways for almost five years and I  just wanted someone (more specifically, a man) to heal my heart of all that. In October, though, I’d had enough. I was done pursuing. I was done looking. If I was going to date anyone, they were gonna have to pursue ME. Instead of looking forward to a text message in the morning, I chose to start getting up a little earlier than normal so I could start my day off with God. And I found my days were better. I found that my priorities were changing. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t’ been a perfect three months, I’ve made some mistakes, but they are fewer and far between. I’ll never be perfect. I’m human. Some time after my birthday, Cowboy Number Tres came two-steppin’ in to my life and it kind of caught me off guard. I’d known him for years and years and never in my life looked at him as more than a friend. I had ZERO interest in dating him. Honestly, I ignored a lot of his texts because I cared that little. Then one night, I gave in and hung out with him and was really surprised at how much fun we had. The more we hung out, feeding cows, taking the truck out at night, looking at stars, doing all the simple things in life that I love so much, I started to think I might just be able to like this guy. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I DID like him. I liked that he was texting me in the morning. I liked that he told me I was pretty. I liked that we had simple fun together. I liked that he wanted to spend time with me. There really wasn’t a whole lot that I didn’t like. And then, after some time,  it happened. He said those dreaded words that no girl who is totally infatuated wants to hear: THIS JUST ISN’T GOING TO WORK. Well. What could I do? I had to suck it up and just keep right on living life. The crazy thing this time, though, was that I wasn’t just absolutely a big huge mess of emotions. I wasn’t even that mad, really. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My pride was a little bit hurt. He had pursued me pretty hard so I was upset because I felt led on. BUT, I found myself being more sad for his heart than for mine. I know he’s been hurt in the past and he’s jaded and more than anything, I was hurt for him. It didn’t even dawn on me until it had been a few days that he told me it wasn’t going to work that I realized, “Oh hey. It’s different this time. I’m not freaking out, wondering what I did wrong. I’m not blowing up his phone with messages, begging for him to have a change of heart. “ Instead, I just trust God that He always, always knows what’s best and apparently, he has something better in mind for me. And I’m okay with that. I will admit that just today, I was a little bit upset. Not about me, though. I was upset that someone could have no remorse for their behavior. But I’m over it. I really am. That’s not something for me to worry about. I have to continually trust God and His plan for my life and one of these days, Mr. Right will come riding up to me in cowboy boots and a hat. But until then, I choose to keep my heart and my mind focused on developing the one and only relationship that really matters at the end of the day. And that is the one with my First Love. I can’t wait to see what this next year has in store for me!

Have a wonderful weekend, ya’ll!! ~Rach

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