Note To Self


I knew I shouldn’t have had that second cup of coffee at 8:00pm. It is now 12:23am and I’m wide awake, laying in the loft at Julie’s house, listening to the rain beating against the roof. And my bottle of melatonin is sitting on my night stand at my house, and the last time I checked, ten miles is not within reaching distance.

I love my Friday nights at Julie’s. They usually consist of the same thing: we start out with intentions of working out and those plans typically turn in to, “We could just make dinner and watch a movie and then work out extra hard in the morning….” and that’s usually how it ends up. I love my girl time with her and it’s even more fun when Jade and Zach are home and we all curl up on the couch for movies and dessert. I’m not sure what I’ll do when she moves next summer. I’ll probably throw a fit and beg her to stay. Or I could always just pack up and head south with her. But I’m not sure I could handle the bugs in the south. I heard they have mosquitos as big as dinner plates there. And I am not looking to get West Nile disease any time soon.

I picked up my phone wanting to dial my aunt’s number a few days ago. I know she’s not here anymore but some days I just have these thoughts that maybe I’m in a dream and if I called her number her voice would be on the other end, answering like she always did, “Hello, sweetie…” There wasn’t a single person in this world like her. I will never forget where I was when my mom called to tell me my aunt Roxanne had stepped into Heaven….I had already gone to bed but how could I ever possibly go back to sleep after a call like that? So I got in my car and drove. I drove around in the rain for a while, crying, hoping that my mom was wrong and that she would call me to say that my aunt was gonna be just fine. You know, I don’t think you ever stop missing someone like that. It’s been 14 years since my Papa passed away and I’ll never stop missing him. I was the apple of his eye, his only granddaughter. It’s hard not to question God in moments like these.

On a lighter note, something incredible has happened in my life. Tonight, I got a text message from my ex, but not just any text message. He wrote to me asking for dating advice and in all seriousness, I was able to answer him like I would give one of my girl friends advice and it didn’t even phase me. It was in that moment that I truly realized my heart is no longer connected to him. I’ve made that final separation and I could be completely honest in telling him that if she treated him kind and was good to his children and to him, then sure, he should keep her around. I can’t even explain to you how amazing that feels. Was it weird for a second when I read the text at first? Sure…caught me off guard, but….boy did I breathe a huge sigh of relief when I thought to myself, “I’m so glad it’s her and not me that has to put up with him now!” Oh how a year can bring so much healing. I did end up telling him after we’d exchanged a couple texts that, unless he wanted me to start charging, he’d have to start getting his dating advice from someone else. I told him to write a letter to Dr. Phil. He didn’t think that was nearly as funny as I did.

Good night, world. Time for this girl to get some shut eye.

~Rach, aka The Dating Expert


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