Dear Lord. I feel like this is the first time I’ve sat down in days. And honestly, it’s not that I’ve been any busier in my day-to-day living. It’s more so my mind. My thoughts have been racing, leaps and bounds, ahead of the rest of my body, and trying to keep up with a mind that is racing can wear a person out. Typically, I could go for a nice long run to clear my mind, but even that hasn’t helped lately. Although, running up Mt. Kilimanjaro isn’t exactly conducive to clearing one’s mind. I will say, however, that after three tries, I finally made it to the top of my big hill without stopping. I haven’t been able to feel my legs in three days, but who needs to feel their legs, right………..?
I’ve started this sentence and hit the back space button probably 14 times, because truthfully, I don’t even know how to put my thoughts in to words tonight. And anyone that knows me knows that I don’t really have that problem. It’s quite the opposite. It just seems like lately I’ve been playing tug of war with ……..well, I don’t who or what. I feel like I’m pulling so hard in one direction, but there’s always someone or something slightly stronger at the other end, and just when I think I’ve got the game won, they pull me, face first, in to the dirt. Does that analogy even make sense? I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve really begun to question the desires of my heart. Maybe what I think I want isn’t what’s right for me. I wrote about this a few weeks ago, that so many times we mistake our wants for something that we think we need. The things that I dream about, are they really what’s right for me? Or have I become infatuated with an idea? I don’t even know anymore. I just feel like I’m teetering on the edge of something big, something beyond what I ever wrote about in my journals as a young teenager, and more than what I’ve desired as a young adult.
For the most part, I don’t let chaos bother me. In fact, I think I work best when things are chaotic because I look at the madness around me and accept it as a challenge, a project, or something that I can work to fix or make better. I had a coworker one time who never saw the top of her desk. It was piled high at all times with stacks of paper, pens, pencils, her manicure set, anything you can imagine, it was piled on her desk. But, at any given time, I could ask her for a specific paper and she knew right where it was. This is a great example of being able to work in a chaotic environment. Now, I will admit, it took everything in me to not tidy up her space (that’s the part of me that doesn’t mind the chaos, as long as I know I can work towards getting rid of it!). So, in the situation that I’m in now, where my mind is operating like a toddler who just drank a two liter of Mt. Dew, it’s really been a test of my faith.In the midst of this craziness, I would normally stop, gather my thoughts, come up with a plan, and move forward. That hasn’t worked this time. I can’t figure it out. I want to know what this tugging in my heart is all about. I want to know if the things that I’ve craved for so long are things that I’ve let become idols or are they really desires that God put in my heart?
I think the main problem that I have is allowing all these questions to reside in the forefront of my mind. Not all of them are serious, life altering questions. Some of them are simple. Some of them are complex. Some of them are wondering if you ever took that piece of blue paint tape off the wall above the bedroom door…the one we left as a reminder. And trust me, people, I don’t want these questions rolling around in my head. I don’t want to question the course that my life has taken. I don’t want to question the desires of my heart. But I can’t keep up. I can’t keep up with my thoughts, racing, racing, racing…… I think I sound like Bill Murray’s character in What About Bob……except not nearly as funny. “What if I’m looking for a bathroom, I can’t find one, and my bladder explodes?” “Hi, I’m Bob. Would you knock me out, please? Just hit me in the face.” Oh, Bob Wiley, at least you can still make me laugh!
Lord, steady my heart, my mind, my soul. Steady me.