Coffee Thoughts

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You know what I love? My internal clock. Oh, and today is opposite day, so not really. Every day, I wake up around 5:30 for work and I wish that on days like today my body would just stay asleep. Instead, I am wide eyed and bushy tailed, whatever that means.

 

Last night, Julie and I went to 609 for dinner. I am so lucky to have her in my life. She’s one of the best girl friends I could ever ask for. She makes me want to be a better person. And we seriously laugh non stop when we are together. She’s good for me. She moved from Maine to Oklahoma several years ago and then ended up in Missouri and I could not be happier that God allowed our paths to cross. She calls us “parallel friends” because it seems like we are always walking through the same things at the same time. Oh, and we both love cowboys. But that’s neither here nor there. I love her. She’s a blessing for sure.

My nephew will be two in a few days. How is that even possible? How can he be a toddler? How can he go from a tiny little bundled up newborn to a never ending toddler full of energy? Part of me is sad because I miss when he’d fit perfectly on my chest and he’d lay there, so peaceful, and I could just watch him sleep and now the kid never stops moving. I love his obsession with his John Deere tractor and horses. We are so blessed to have a healthy, lively little man in our family. He’s my pride and joy. I’m a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, and an aunt and I can honestly say being an aunt is my favorite. It’s such an honor.

A few days ago, I mentioned wanting to move from southwest Missouri. While I love the little town I grew up in, I crave something new. I thought about going north but I’m not sure I’d be happy in the winter. I thought about going south but I’m not sure I’d be happy in the summer. So basically what I’m saying is, I’m probably here for the long haul. I just can’t shake that feeling of wanting to be somewhere new, though. I want to be somewhere that isn’t more than a days drive from my family but far enough to where I’m pushed beyond my level of comfort, outside my familiar little world I’ve been in for 26 years. I feel like I’m so limited here. Don’t get me wrong, this place will always be home to me. But everything in me wants to leave…….

Isn’t it funny how we get ideas in our head as a child and some of those ideas never change? Maybe ‘funny’ isn’t the right word but you get my point. I can remember drawing what I thought was my dream home when I was probably only in third or fourth grade and that image is still in my mind. There’s a home in the next town over that looks like it came straight off a southern plantation and it’s been my favorite house since the first time I laid eyes on it. I’ve always wanted a house set away from the road with a long driveway. I’ve always wanted a house with a big yard for my babies to play in. I’ve always wanted a home that was inviting and one that whoever walked through the doors felt welcome. I want to be in the country. I want to be one of those moms that always leaves notes in my kids’ lunchbox and one that is able to be at every activity or sport they are involved in. I want to be totally devoted to my family. I hope that the house I bring my babies home to after they are born is the home they grow up in. I want them to know I will always be their biggest fan and that I love them more than any human being will ever love them. I already love them. I think God gave me a mother’s heart long, long ago. I’ve always wanted to be a mama. I’ve always wanted a family. There have been times in my life that I’ve almost settled for less than the desires of my heart, but thank God I did not. One of these days, I’ll be making supper for my little family and my husband will walk through the door after work, he’ll pick our babies up in his arms and hug them while he leans in for a kiss from me. Such a simple life. That’s what makes my heart happy when I dream. That’s all I want. Just a man that loves the Lord, me, and our kids. I want a man that works hard to provide for our family and makes sure we are always taken care of and in turn, a man that I can help be successful and do everything in my power to make sure HE is taken care of. I don’t think that’s asking too much.

It’s been 14 years since my grandpa passed away. My dad has his hat hanging in the work shed. That man was such a story teller. I remember every Saturday we’d go to Neale’s Cafe on the square and he’d drink coffee and I’d have hot chocolate and he’d sit there and tell me stories that, looking back, I know were so far from being true but back then they made me think he was the coolest person that had ever lived. One time he told me there had been a wildfire in California and he was swimming in the ocean when a helicopter flew over, dropped a bucket to get some water to help extinguish the fire and that bucket scooped him up and dropped him right before it got to the fire. I never even questioned him. My dad said when my grandpa died he wanted to have the words “Here lies the truth cause the truth was never told.” inscribed on his tombstone. It’s the truth, that man was the best story teller. I miss that man. I wish he could’ve met my nephew. I remember him picking me and my middle brother up for pizza and Mom and Dad would make us promise we wouldn’t ask for quarters for the gum ball machine but he’d give them to us anyway. And he always, without fail, had the same knock. We knew Papa was at the front door when we heard that knock. My dad was his only child, I was his only granddaughter. And oh, how he loved me. Ray Morgan Cantwell. I miss that story-telling man.

My thoughts are so random this morning. My heart feels a tad bit heavy and I can’t quite put my finger on the reasoning as to why I I feel this way. It’s not a sad feeling or a worried feeling. I’m quite content in my world and happier than I’ve ever been. But there’s a tugging in my heart that I can’t quite explain. I suppose the Lord is working on my heart, preparing me for something bigger than what I dare to imagine. My prayer is that I’m always ready and willing and receptive to His plan for my life. If a grass hut in Africa is where he wants me to live instead of a house on a hill in the country, well then….so be it.

Time for coffee! Have a wonderfully blessed day!
~Rach

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