Were You Born In A Barn?

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I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons,  I’m finally content with a past I regret. I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness and for once I’m at peace with myself. I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long, but now I’m moving on.

Why do we, as human beings, feel like we need closure? Or is that just a female thing? Or am I the only one that has such a strong need for closure in my life? Surely not. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a tad bit unique in comparison to the rest of the human race (I chose the word “unique” very carefully there. Don’t try to argue with me.). Anyway, I have all these weird little quirky things that I do. For instance, when I leave a room, I almost always shut the door behind me, no matter what. If you walk down the hallway in my house you will see six doorways and every one of them are going to be closed. I’m just weird like that. I mean unique. My youngest brother, on the other hand, isn’t even aware of the fact that there’s a door hanging on the door frame. And don’t get me started on the kitchen cabinets. When he opens one, it stays open until someone (ME) comes behind him and closes it. It drives me nuts. I feel like the Earth almost stops rotating when things are left open or unfinished. When I’m cooking or baking, I absolutely always clean as I go. I start by lining all the required ingredients up in the order they will be used. As soon as I’m done with one ingredient, it goes back in the fridge or pantry where it belongs before I move on to the next step. I need that closure before I move on. The only place that I don’t find this happening in my life is my closet. At any given time, it is not unlikely for there to be two or three (okay, five or six) outfits laying on the end of my bed. Please don’t judge me, I’m a work in progress. The problem is that I’m a woman and I was cursed with the “I have nothing to wear” syndrome and yeah, don’t judge me. I will say though, that my clothes are organized by sleeve length, color, etc., so I’m not as bad as you probably thought. It’s like I’ve said before, I’m funny and charming but not a size two. God had to be fair, people. Anyway, I do have a point I’m trying to make, I promise. Back to needing closure……..

I never really dated in jr. high or high school. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to date (uh hum) and maybe it was because I teased my bangs. I don’t know. But either way, I never really dated until I was almost 17 years old. So when I finally got a boyfriend, I fell hard. At the time, I thought it was true love. After three or so years of total infatuation, that ended and very abruptly. There are so many details that I’m choosing to leave out because I don’t want to make the other person look bad or appear as though I’m pulling the victim card. All I’ll say is we were both young and experienced things that a 21 and 22 year old shouldn’t have to. And we parted ways without ever saying so much as good-bye. There was zero closure. About six months later, I met the man that would become my second boyfriend, and truthfully, I never saw that relationship coming. It just kind of happened. And then I woke up close to five years later and found myself at a point where I had no clue who I was, no clue where I was headed (other than down), and absolutely no idea how I got there. I had lowered myself to such a disgusting spot. Like, lower than whale poop on the bottom of the ocean floor, kinda low. I was angry for what I’d been through and not with just that relationship, but the one prior to that. So, I walked away from a life that was anything but glamorous, and from an outsider’s point of view, you would think that I’d be happier than ever. But I wasn’t. I needed closure. I wanted these people to tell me WHY they did what they did. WHY couldn’t they love me the way I needed them to? Why didn’t our relationship work out when everywhere I turned, I was seeing friends that I’d grown up with happily married and starting new lives with their perfect husband or wife? What was wrong with ME? For the most part, I just wanted to hear the people that had hurt me tell me WHY.

A little over a month ago, I hit a fork in the road, so to speak. I knew I could go one of two directions. I could choose to continue wallering around in my misery and trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was “unlovable.” Yeah, those words came out of my mouth more than once. I really asked that question, why am I unlovable? OR I could wash my hands of all those people and things that hurt me and I could choose to walk away from a door that would probably never be closed the way that I wanted it to be closed. This doesn’t mean the door wasn’t closed, it was just shut differently than I would’ve done it. I wanted to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with those two men that hurt me to my core. And honestly, when I began to deal with this issue in my life, I discovered that I was harboring anger and bitterness towards more than just those two men. I was allowing myself to be angry with several people that had hurt me, whether it had been during my childhood, or last week. I found myself unwilling to forgive them UNLESS THEY CAME TO ME AND ASKED FOR THAT FORGIVENESS.I kind of feel sorry for myself (haha) because I missed out on a lot in life by carrying a chip on my shoulder (What does that saying mean anyway? A chip on your shoulder? I don’t think I’ve ever had a chip on my shoulder cause I would’ve eaten it. Just saying). I visited my uncle Roger a few weeks ago and he gave me the best advice I’ve had in a really long time. He’s good at that. He told me that I will probably never have the closure that I want, meaning these people coming to me and having an adult conversation with each other. So instead, he told me to write a letter to these people. Write whatever I wanted. He said I shouldn’t hold one single thing back. Say whatever I knew I’d never be able to actually say in person. And when I was done writing them, he told me to find a picture of the person I’d written the letter to, sit it on a chair in front of me as though they were sitting there, and read the letter to that person. I had to get it all out and when I was done, I burned the letters. Burning them was a symbol of complete and total closure. Had I torn the letters up, I could’ve spent a long time trying to tape them back together. But burning them to ashes literally made that impossible. I forgave those people and the door was closed. I don’t have to have the answers that I wanted. I don’t even need them anymore. And most importantly, I don’t need that closure to feel like I’m worthy of being loved. I can hold my head high knowing that who I am is enough.

This isn’t to say that I’ve reached perfection in not needing closure. I think that’s just part of who I am, part of my make up. Heck, I’ve dealt with it very strongly this week. I’ve been waiting since Saturday to hear that a door is or isn’t closed (I need a life). I’ve found myself struggling with it for three or four days and then this morning, I just had one of those “ah ha” moments and recognized what I’d been doing. How can I move forward in my life when I’m always looking back? I’ve never been good at walking backwards so if I’m going to make any progress, I have to turn myself around and move forward and not worry about hearing from that person or persons WHY this or that did/didn’t happen.My mom is in New Orleans and she texted me this morning saying, “I love you from the bottom of my heart. You have no clue how deep my love is for you.” I couldn’t help but smile because I know that regardless of anyone or anything that has hurt me in the past, I’ve got a multitude of people in my life NOW that would never hurt me intentionally and that love me unconditionally.

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me. And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone. There comes a time in everyone’s life when all you can see are the years passing by, and I’ve made up my mind that those days are gone. I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t, stopped to fill up on my way out of town. I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t. I had to lose everything to find out that forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road. I’m moving on.

Love you guys,

Rach

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